Friday, December 24, 2004

i'm getting better at this everyday...




i honestly don't know who reads this but, merry christmas to you
-ricky

posted by ricky @ 2:00 PM

Sunday, December 19, 2004

spend most of my time trying to write hits - with the constant weight of worry that they'll all miss

Sometimes when you look back on your first kiss, first big mistake, first time seeing a naked girl, first time you fell asleep next to someone and couldn't wait to wake up and talk to them, first love, first time feeling so fucking lost/found (out), the first time you say something (and want to take it back as you say it but its too late) and wake up the next morning wishing it was a bad dream- and no matter how much you want them back but you can't have them (sorry). It doesn't make them feel any less electric or sting any less each time it happens. It didn't make any sense than and it doesn't make much more now. and I remember how much time I spent trying so hard to be cool (for you) and then when uncool became in - I thought I finally had it. I pushed the enevelope and made awkward and blue look good (I can't stand/stop myself). And in a year I doubt, in fact I am sure noone will care how shitty some girl treated me, no matter how witty or spiteful or catchy the words that are written about it. Still, right now, this moment feels like it goes on forever. Like it has always gone on but I just never payed attention to it (till it smashed me in the face in the form of you). I can write about but words are of poor substitute for the taste of bile on my toungue from the void of words to snap back at the dial tone when you hang up and the inevitable bowing before the porcelain and dying on the tile floor. But enough of the trips down memory lane (the problem is when you can't get off it). Send me some directions I am at the corner of has been and never was. It's funny how when it feels like I can't breath when I think of you (and him and him and him) so I try to focus on each individual part of the process and simplify it, will myself to work. I wish I had the courage to tell you I deserved better. (But I think somewhere deep down I know I deserve it). And you feeling good shouldn't come at the expense of my dignity. And noone has as many excuses as you. And how nothing feels worse than this stomachache except when I think of how you tell me about how cola and peppermint calm my stomach lining.... And all your wonderful remedies for the problems you cause. But everytime I open my mouth nothing comes out but, "yeah, I'm doing alright" (I'd like to thank my family, and god for helping me get the award for year's best lie). I used to obsess over feeling better. Now I only obsess over you.

-rick

posted by ricky @ 9:03 PM